Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
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im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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