Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
