The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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