On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
what the fuck happened to the tacos
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
