Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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