she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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