If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It was a blind-side dick pic.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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