I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He passed out mid-signature
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i need some magic done to my vagina
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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