I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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