i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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