I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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