Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
