Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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