puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
