Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
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You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
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Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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