According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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