SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
