did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think my fart just growled at me.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
