he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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