Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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