I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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