i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
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