So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize