We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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