My friends, they love my intelligence
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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