this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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