1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you still have your period?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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