I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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