found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
