i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
