Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
