Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you win again, gameday.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
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We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
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It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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