Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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