where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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