My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
