No stitches, just platelets and will power
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
