Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
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