alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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