I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
