I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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