I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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