my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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