I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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