You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
