sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
