She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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