3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
