My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
