Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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