i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i think my cat just said my name.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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