I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Sorry about my life...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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