I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
