i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
