I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
