M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
