I just cut my nipple shaving
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He did a backflip because drugs
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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