I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
