You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
