i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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